Someone please explain...

How in the hay does an 0-2 Virginia Tech stay in the Top 10 in both USA Today Coaches Poll and the AP polls?  Sure, they lost to the #3 ranked Boise St., sure they played them pretty well in that game, but THEN they turn right around and LOSE to James Madison, yeah...the Division I-AA James Madison, but wait, there's more...the #15 ranked (in Div I-AA) James Madison?!  Now, don't get me wrong, i'm NOT a Hokie Hater...i actually LIKE them.  But...had that been, say, the Sooners...OH the SHAME, OH the ridicule...it would be App St. vs. Michigan all over again!  The Sooners would be the laughingstock of CFB!  and VirginiaTech lazes at an avg. of #8? 

Please.

Findings....

Woohoo!  FOUND IT!!!  The camera has been missing since last week.  The Queen found it buried in Odysseus, so NOW i can post some pics of things that have been going on around here.  I mean, writing is cool and all, but come on, seriously, wouldn't you rather just look at the pics?

No, i'm not posting anything tonight, it's too late to go into all that.  The Queen just handed it to me minutes ago, i don't even remember what all's on there.  So, i'll leave you good folks with this little jewel.

I should probably tag a small disclaimer here.  I love words.  Not so much USING them as finding out where they came from.  This does not mean a definition, i love finding their source, their ancestral root, their fundamentum.

If you want me to go away and not bother your for awhile, put a etymological dictionary in my hands and point me to the nearest park bench.  If you wanna get rid of me for an extended period, buy me one.  It doesn't matter that i just found THIS "a map of the wheel ruts of Modern English" I love that quote by the way, its so visual of where our language has come from.  My mind's eye conjures a scene of some foggy Irishscape with a deeply furrowed, dark earth sodden path, winding into the brume.  You can't exactly see from whence it came or whither bound, yet it is there, and has been for centuries.  I just want to jump in the muddy fosse and find where it leads...

If you're like me...you'll be entertained for hours on end, if not...wait for the pics.

"Just. Pay. Attention."

Look...its Springtime...and we live in Oklahoma.  It's not called Tornado Alley because it's a sidestreet.  Moore's got a corner on the market, we might as well call it Tornado Highway.  Moore's slogan oughtta be "Tornado's, Taxes, and Traffic ...yep We Got it All!"

It always amazes me that CNN or some local newsie finds the closest aged chaw stained Jethro or pear profiled bra-less Ellie Mae in her moo moo with a half burned cancer stick lolling in her mouth to interview.  "Yehboy...that sucker durned near kilt us all. We wuz trayin to out runn'er but she picked us up and shook us like a dawg, an then pitched us over'n the bar ditch.  Ma Ford's done beat all ta hell, course ya cain't really tail can ye (insert tobaccy stained semi toothed grin here).  We're jus happy the man upstairs was watchin' over us."  Lord, i realize that the real life characters from Deliverance are alive and well and breeding like rabbits here in Okieland, but can we find SOMEONE who had the good God given horse sense to AVOID The Demon of the Plains? 

I've said it before, i'll say it again...If you are stupid enough to live in a trailer house and take your chances in that crackerbox (and i mean CRACKER box), and try to ride it out...you're  rollin' the dice on Mercy, and more than likely, you're going to come up snake eyes.  Now don't get all offended, i've LIVED in a trailer house, about a 1/4 mile from that Love's store you saw scattered all over I-40.  But folks, when those demons head my way, i and mine stay outta the way and let'er blow.   I ain't gonna stop it, i ain't gonna ride it, just realize...it's just STUFF, it can be replaced.  Driving INTO that kind of weather, or watching it boil right into you just makes me realize that Darwin may have actually been on to something.

Take it from a guy who has lived on or around The Alley most of my 42 years on this windswept sod...there's A LOT of other ground here in the state that isn't ground zero.  In the event of an actual emergency...move perpendicular to the path of said demon and stay there till its gone, so YOU won't be the face of Oklahoma on Fox News the next morning.   Again, don't get all offended, because i've done just that...and guess what...IT WORKS!

Gary England can tell you how fast you will die when it hits within a couple feet of where it actually does at precisely the time he said it would.  Therefore, there is no excuse to be killed, injured, or have bad dreams.

Please, if you live here, and it's the time of year it is, i tell this to my children all the time...

"Just. Pay. Attention."

eXtreMe maKEovER...

My wonderful, talented, lovely blogmom gave me the idea of redecorating... reconstructing even. I have a picture that i want to put as a background, that would be a bit more...apropos, but i have little knowledge of writing HTML, and honestly, it bores me to tears. So...here ya go...the new do.

Of course, it will probably change. I like this, but it's not quiiiite there for me yet. Something more...kilted and kelly grrreen moyt fet. But fur new...in the words of Shrek...

"That'll dew donkeh, that'll dew."

Today's News...

Dropkick was everything one would expect from an Irish punk band from Boston, loud, raucous, disorderly...and most of all...just plain ole fun. At the end of the show they let as many as could fit on stage with them as they played "Shippin' Up To Boston"...i have no idea how they played what with the drunken, rambunctious tumult all around them...but they did and it was a crazy good time. Yes, we (Moondawg, The Flying Dutchman, and myself) stayed out of the thick of the frenzy and most sober. We had met up with some old friends of mine and we basically just tried to keep the rollicking, riotous human ocean from rolling over the one girl of the group...i know, it sounds like insanity unrestrained, but for the most part everyone is there just to have a good time and enjoy the show...the bouncers take care of the real idiots.

That's really all i have time for right now...The Queen has a well earned weekday off, and we are going to make the most of it, as soon as we get school over and done with (hopefully by noon). So, i'll leave you with this little audio cafe au lait... i could seriously hang with this brotha... i love Keb'Mo...you just can't listen and not have a bobble headed smile...

Celtipunked!

Gooood Afternoon Connoisseurs!!!

I gotta tellya...the FNP (that's me) is excited with a capital X! I don't hae much time ta tell ye boot et...but...Drrrrrropkick Murphy's tonite at The House of Blues in Big D is where you can find me, and the Moondawg, and The Flyin' Dutchman... if you were lookin'. Ere's a sample...



if THAT don't get you Celtipunked...i've no idea what will...

The Five Concentric Circles...

Folks...i gotta tell'ya...i'm wore smooth out on Olympic Curling...i mean, i'm ScotchIrish and all but... good lord... i've just about resigned myself to thinking that watching China v. Russia women's hockey might just be more entertaining...basically cuz i'm pretty certain that both those teams are made up of individuals who barely missed the cut on the men's teams.

So far, my Olympic highlights have been:

The short track races with Ohno...freaking incredible...i actually get nervous during those races. Seriously, i could be a huge fan of THAT kind of turn left...THOSE are ATHLETES...yes Nascar fan, that is a slight on your...'sport'.

US vs. CAN last night was...without a doubt...one of the best hockey games i've seen since...well...probably the late 90's/early 00's when the Av's and Wings were at each others throats. I love hockey without all the cheap hits and ridiculous fighting. It is so refreshing to see a couple teams passionately COMPETE without all the sophomoric BS.

And lastly...since i was a kid, i ALWAYS wanted to ski jump. There used to be a show that was a spin off of ABC's Wide World of Sports. The premise was to set up the average joe's sports fantasy and let them do it...mine was always to ski jump...it is the most graceful, most beautiful part of the Olympics...winter or summer.

As a side note, i've been watching more and more of the cross-country stuff lately. I don't know that those people may not be the most physically fit of the entire Olympic spectrum...there is endurance sports...and then there's cross country skiing...it's other worldly. While here, i'd like to state that those Bi-athletes are then aliens...they are non-human...to go THAT hard, for THAT long (2.5 kliks), and then stop...pop five slugs into a target the size of a silver dollar at 150 feet in about 20-25 seconds...get up and do it again FOUR MORE TIMES AT ALTITUDE (and if you miss you get to go even further! I tellya...when the proverbial shtuff hits the socioeconomic fan...i want a few of those guys/girls on my side.

Declaration...

I think its time to make a Declaration of Intent to Secede. I've nearly decided that the vacuumous world of Facebook has very nearly killed my blogging, and i'm about to draw the line. As i've stated many times, the blog exists for the future, for the Royals...you just get to read it before they do. Its an ongoing autobiographic of The Kingdom...our family and growing up, discovering, parenting, living...loving. Facebook, Twitter, MySpace...you name it, is by nature a cheap trick, a quick opiate for comment junkies. I've come to realize that it has charmed me for a season, but i am beginning to see the seductress for who she really is...a cheap whore robbing me, and my family, of memories of the present...in the future. So, if you are a friend of mine on Floozbook and you wanna keep in touch, might wanna think about getting yourself a Personalized Placemat (on the sidebar to your immediate right) or bookmarking the site for future reference.

Now, with that said, i certainly do not regard those who continue with Facebook (or whatever e-venue you choose) as base or immature or whatever offense one may take in my statements. It has its place, it is good for communication, finding old friends and such. It is merely a bane to me. As stated, it has been a narcotic, and the euphoria begins to sicken me. If you enjoy it...great! If you find it has value...fantastic. Its just taking up too much of my time, that i've determined should be spent chronicling things that happen here.

So, i'll be here...with a hot cup of Irish coffee (or some other Celtic laden tipple)...any time you wanna join me around The Table...i'll be happy for the company...

Slainte'!

Let your soul and spirit fly...

Every once in a great while, a cover comes along that may possibly be better than the original. Case in point, Van Morrison's Into The Mystic is one of my all time faves...but when i happened upon these two doing it...well...

As a post script...if you have never seen the movie Once, its worth the purchase price.

Hey Doc...this one's for you...

King of Sinful Sots...

Well, if that's the case...he did have SOME redemptive quality! Nothin like a little Ravenscroft to get the day going!

By the way...did you know that Ravenscroft ALSO did the voice for Tony the Tiger? Ahhhhh...it all makes sense now eh?

Since we are on the subject of sots...here's a re-post...of a re-post...which will be re-posted again next year and re-posted annum de novo until you try it, or at least comment on it.

click here for The Tipsy Pixie

Nollaig Shona Dhuit!!!!

Here We Only Got One Rule...

By far my favorite part of what's quickly becoming my favorite Christmas movie...

Yeah...we got it...



I mean...after all...this is The Table...

Happy Holidays...Southern fried...

Goooooood afternoon connoisseurs! Well...seriously...i have no idea what i'm doing at the keyboard right now. I have TONS to do and little time left to getRdone but...just here to say, i ain't fergottin' ye...and i've got some really cool news with some even cooler pics, so stay tuned.

But, fer now, this is gon' hafter do, cuz i gots ta git this family packed for eight glorious days in sunny CO.

Now, i won't leave y'all completely hangin'...here's a little southern deep fried redneck ENTERTAINMENT to get you in the mood for the hollydays...

hat tip to The Brother for this one

The Dark Side...

I can't do it better than this folks...if you have any tissue, get it ready now.

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Offtrack...offroad...

This time of year is always fun for me. So many things are going on that make me remember some very, very special days. First, as previously described, Oct. 27 is our anniversary, that is ALWAYS a good day to remember. Since that day happened to fall on the same day the World Series began in 2001 (Yankees vs. Diamondbacks) the beginning of the World Series always brings back those memories too. We went to sleep every night watching (using that term somewhat lightly) that Series on our honeymoon. I despise the Yankees. So any team that gets over on them is fine by me.

Then, tomorrow being my birthday...the memories go back a bit further still. I've always thought October was a very cool month, figuratively of course. When i was a kid, it was the month when the new toys started being advertised for Christmas, so i got a inside track to a very cool new toy hot off the press for my birthday (actually OBTAINING such was the difficulty).

Fall has forever been a wonderful time for me...the precursor to Winter...and i do loves me some snow...always have, always will. Denver getting POUNDED today doesn't help my appetite. But, as fragmented as my thoughts are right now...i guess i just wanted to say...Fall/October/Anniversary/Birthday/World Series just makes me glad to be here breathing the crisp, smoky, leaf rained air...THANKFUL TO BE ALIVE with such family and friends that the Lord has so richly blessed me with!

I know i'm all over the road today...but...ITS MY LIMBO DAY AND I CAN BE!

And just to go off into the ditch and out into the field...we're having hobo dinners tonight...wanna come?

Definition...

How will your few seconds of fame define you? Don't know if you all have seen this before but... let the question sink in when you watch this...

Season's Greetings!

Well kids...its almost that time again...yep The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...FOOTBALL SEASON! And here where the Wind comes Sweepin Down the Plains its in our genetic code, its...really...it's... spiritual.

Call us Chokelahoma, say Sooners are really just cheaters, make fun of our schooner (one of the COOLEST mascots in the GAME), whatever you want. But then, ask yourself...when was the last time MY team was in the NCG? When was the last time MY team even got a sniff at a conference title? Where is our crystal ball? So say what you want about the Crimson and Cream...point is, we are there, year in year out, doing what we do best...Play Like A Champion.


I'll try to contain myself and the pride in my state and its teams (yes i hope the Cowboys kick the living CRAP out of the Georgia Dawgs on Saturday) but...

BOOMER FREAKING SOONER!!!!




It's beginning to look a lot like Football
Soon the bands will start,
And the thing that will make them ring is the anthem that you sing
Right within your heart.

and OUrs goes little sumthin like this...

Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,
Boomer Sooner, O-K-U!

Oklahoma, Oklahoma,
Oklahoma, Oklahoma,
Oklahoma, Oklahoma,
Oklahoma, O-K-U!

I'm a Sooner born
And a Sooner bred,
And when I die
I'll be Sooner dead.

Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma!
Rah, Oklahoma! O-K-U!

Sunshine...

Today's earworm...hate to do this to ya but...i been singin' this one all mornin'...when ya wake up with some Bill Withers floating gently through the mind passageways, you know its gonna be a good day...

Ready for the Storm...

I received an email from a good friend with Perpetuum Jazzile's version of a passing storm...


It reminded of a time...i'm gonna say...back in 1990 maybe...i was at a concert with a guy who has now passed on and he did this same thing with us...maybe 2000 people in the auditorium...i gotta tellya...it was un-freaking-believable...sounded exactly like a warm summer rain passing through the place...as the crowd just finished the final moments of the misty rain sounds he picked up his guitar and began playing "Ready for the Storm". Almost 20 years later, it still gives me chills. Here's Rich...with his version...



We still miss ya Rich...Requiescat in Pace

Find your Happy Place...

If you really wanna know...blame Facebook. Its really some kind of evyl. I don't blog as much cuz i'm always on there! At some point the novelty will wear off and i'll blog more...i mean its really what i want to do anyway...blogging is so much more profitable...but FB is just so daggone fun.

The Party starts Friday...if you wanna come (and i highly recommend you do) you'll find smoked pork butt, ribs, and a couple chickens, creole potato salad, corn on the cob, grilled/paneed asparagus, home made ice cream, chocolate cup cakes...and some local watermelons...oh and all the margarita's you want. So, come for the food, stay for the fun, and sing Happy Birthday to The Prince and The X.

If you can't come, i will give you this little jewel of a mix i conjured tonight(pardon the quality of the pic, i had to do it with my phone)...

1 shot Tequila Reserva 1800 Silver

1 shot Patron Citronge

3/4 C. On The Border (or SweetnSour mix) Margarita Mix

1/2 lime squeezed into mixture



Shake together and pour into a kosher salt rimmed glass with 1 1/2 C. crushed ice and lime wedge dropped in. Find a lawn chair, sit in the evening breeze, and enjoy the sunset with children splashing in a nearby pool.

Is it? Could it be?...

No...i HAVEN'T forgotten The Prince's birthday ode...and no...i still don't have enough time to write what i want...it'll have to wait til this evening. Still too much going on...you won't believe you eyes when i tack on the pics with what's been happening around The Kingdom.

So, with that in mind...and the fact that it is now...100.2 degrees IN THE SHADE outside, i see Margaritaville looming through the shimmering heat vapors...