Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Face of an Identity Thief...














Can you believe it? You never knew did you? Me...The Friendly Neighborhood Piper...Identity Thief. Well believe it. I have the ability, and the motive...wanna know how i got to this point? Here's my story...
Monday 9:30 a.m.

The phone rings and i pick up...

"Mr. Palmer?"

me: Yes

"Mr. Jay Palmer?"

me: Yep you got him.

"Mr. Palmer, this is _______ customer service representative from _______Bank.
me: ok, hey ________.

"Mr. Palmer we have a report that you have the wrong debit card."

me: *blink* I...what?

"You have a debit card belonging to a Mr. Jay Bonner" (last name changed for security reasons)

me: I...what?! Lemme get my wallet...

(sounds of frantic fumbling)

me: OK here it is... ... ... oh...my...GAWD!

"Mr. Palmer, its ok, i just need to ask you a few questions..."

me: [interpreting that as 'we just need you to come downtown and ask you a few questions']

"Mr. Bonner reported the card missing this morning and it has been inactivated...Apparently, by his report, you had been given the wrong card the other night at Wall Street. Mr. Bonner left your card there, you'll need to get it from them. Now, have you made any other purchases on that card this past weekend?"

me: Ummm...no, i don't think so...

"Did you go to Golden Corral?"

me: Oh! Yes, yes i did...

"OK, that's fine...how soon can you get Mr. Bonner's card to the nearest branch?

me: its not far, i can be there within the hour...[surely you can have officer friendly there by then to cuff me and stuff me].

"Well that will be fine...just try to do it as soon as possible."

me: I'll be there as soon as i can.

"Thankyou Mr. Palmer we're just glad your an honest guy..."
[and stupid enough to stay on the phone with me this long so we can triangulate your signal, the FBI will be kicking your door down in...107 seconds.]

"Thankyou sir."

me: Yes sir, thankyou.

I hang up and think "Oh crap, i went to Wal Mart and spent a hundy and then to Speedy G's and bought some lunch on that card! I'm screwed! Maybe i should call Mr. Assistant District Att'y...no i'll see what it looks like at the bank...then i'll talk to him after the highway patrol loads me in his cruiser and takes me...to his office."

i begin scrambling...getting kids dressed, receipts together, everything i could think of to clear this thing up and give some semblance of an honest citizen.

"I gotta talk to this Bonner dude."I find a number that MIGHT be his in the phone book...the lady on the other side...

"You have his WHAT! Ummm...why don't you give me YOUR number and i'll have him call you." Geez, the criminality must be oozing off me, like so much sweat.

A few minutes later Bonner calls, "Hey, you Jay Palmer?!"

Lord.

me: as cheerfully as possible- Yeah! How are ya?

"Man, i'm good, just glad to hear from you! Don't worry its all good, i know exactly what happened..."

After talking with him for a few minutes, we decided we would meet at the bank branch in about 20 minutes and i would give him his card, straighten everything out with the bank, [and i get my ass kicked for making charges on his business card]. But he sure sounded like a pretty cool guy.

I get to the bank, walk in, and see the receptionist..."Hi, i...think...i have someone's debit card..."

"Oh! YOU'RE Jay Palmer!"

[oh good, where's the wanted poster? I'm certain those Fed's are lurking here somewhere, probably the dude in the cowboy hat and that "Granny"].

"Mr. Palmer, could you just step over to that line right there and they will take care of you..."

[No coded language there...so...this is how it goes down, surely they won't hurt my kids].

Teller: "Hi Mr. Palmer, you'll need to go to see Donna she's in that office over there..."

[man, that whole bit about some sins go before you is fo-sho!]

Well, from there things went downhill fast, in a very good way. Bonner showed up and we laughed about the whole thing. The owner of Wall Street showed up and fell all over herself apologizing for the waitress and handed me my card and said both our tabs were on the house for the night. Since we were both members of the same bank, they handled it in-house and just reactivated our cards...

and i slid out of 5-10 in The Big House.

Here's how it all went down...

I went up to tab out, the waitress asked me my name and i told her...well, with the music as it was she probably heard enough that the Jay Bonner card being the exact same colors and the exact same bank name and carrier...she gave me that one...my only thought was 'Man that was pretty cheap for two pitchers of Shiner!" But yet, it was close enough to make me not ask any other IMPORTANT questions. I mean, who looks at their card?

Well, i do...now.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wonder if "they" go easy on unknowing accomplices...

Moondoggie

Anonymous said...

..... you are one lucky fella, guy....... most definitely....

Eric

Anonymous said...

Dude,
On your mug shots, do I see lines with numbers in the background? It looks like about 5'11". But you can't really tell sometimes in mug shots. Also, are you still intoxicated? Your eyes look kinda red and freaky.
Big Bro

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Dawg: Maybe we can be cell mates.

E: good word lucky, i'm a big fan.

inpassing said...

Man, I can't believe that!! I never look at my card when they give it back to me. You can bet I will from now on.

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Brah,

i refuse to answer on the grounds that it might incriminate me.

Doc said...

Awesome story! Well done Piper!

Bag Blog said...

I see how it is! Taking the kids along to play the sympathy card - hoping they won't throw your butt in jail because then they would have to take care of your kids. Little did they know that your kids are the easy part.

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Mrs. Napkins: it seems a good policy.

Doc: i certify that all facts are true...slightly embellished for excitement.

MamaLou: Man, did i get over on'em! I feel like that dude in 'Catch Me If You Can'.

Buck said...

That one made me LOL, Jay! Glad you and Bubba ain't about to become better acquainted.

Inquiries said...

Oh my gawd! I never look at my card after I get it back either! I am glad every thing went well. The mug shots are a great touch.

Dawn said...

Awesomely written Piper, I literally did "laugh out loud" and just so you know, I would hope to handle it as well as you seemed to given the same circumstances!!!!

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Well...not everybody can be as cool under fire like yours truly.

[said in my best Barney Fife-ese]

man2followJESUS said...

I've read in the last few months you really shouldn't even let a waiter/waitress take you card from you and leave your sight. The article said they can press your card into a slice of cheese and "presto" instead number, name, expiration date - some national restaurant chains have hand held scanner machines that the wait staff just stands there at the table and processes the transaction. I also have written on the back of my card "see driver's license".

Bou said...

Holy crap!!!

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Bro: into cheese? Wow...the criminal mind never ceases to amaze... how in the world to they slide that cheese through a card reader? ;)

Bou: my sentiments exactly

Anonymous said...

That reminds me of the time I took my family to Pizza Hut. The waitress took my card...and then promptly lost it! The whole kitchen was turned upside down. The manager almost lost it; she even had to call her mother. One hour of waiting later, the cook found it on top of the fountain machine and the manager rung it up on the machine. Patience!

Bo

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Buck: I have an uncle named Bubba, he's a good guy, i have a friend named Bubba, he's a good guy...so...are you saying that if my cell mate was Bubba my fortune would've changed? T'would be a shame that...

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Bo: They CHARGED you after all that? Did they comp you anything?

Anonymous said...

Let this be a lesson to you - no more Wall Street! ;)

Laura