Thursday, January 31, 2008

Vasovagal syncopae

Its all good...well...for the most part... i guess.

Everything was cool, right up to the time when the good Dr. started brandishing that marinade syringe to administer the anesthetic...said needle entered the frontal region and stopped somewhere around my spine...twice. Other than that, everything went basically by the book, except when he produced that cant hook and started trolling... then the whole process of pulling the target up to the ceiling and for the grand finale, locking down on said target with the medical grade vice grips, the event lasting somewhere around 3 eternities...so, yeah, i suppose it went well, from the outside looking in. Fortunately, he was fairly humorous and while in and out of blinding pain i was able to laugh (i was actually just gritting my teeth but i'd never tell him that, in fact, my jaws got numb from overuse). At one point, he looked at me and said, "You OK?" and somewhere from deep within my reserves i pulled out, "Oh yeah...jus' gitRdun." and 'smiled'. Of course, after performing over 4000 of these, i'm certain that i wasn't fooling him a bit.

It was actually somewhat funny to catch The Queen grimacing a number of times (who watched the entire spectacle from a front row seat) probably not unlike myself when i watch her popping out progeny. I know exactly what she was thinking..."Your gonna do what?...there?... ...ooooooh that's gotta hurt." Yup, it do.

When he finally put away the cant hook and vice grips. He sewed me up with some barb wire and a crocheting hook, which, after the other two proved manageable. With the procedure wrapped, he stood and stated eloquently, "Hey, that went very well, you were very patient and extremely still!" As if i had a choice. He yammered on about some of his historic patients...and some of the post-surgery things i might feel. He sat me up and ghosted out to do his rounds. Nurse Kay put away the shop tools and The Queen and i were finally left to ourselves in relative peace. She was talking quietly to me, asking me how i felt and i said..."Well, i think i'm hungry..." as the hunger pang continued to increase. I started thinking and said..."I can't tell if i'm just hungry or just not feeling very good."

The Queen: "You ok?"

Me: *blink* [thanks Bou, that is so appropriate here]

TQ: "Are you serious?"

Me: (with narrowing vision) What do you mean, am i serious about what? (But the words were only in my head and wouldn't form in my mouth.) I just wanna lay my head...

TQ: "JAY! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?"

Me: What the...am i serious about whaaaa....

TQ: "OK, I'm getting Kay...KAY!? (fading) kay?....k

Me: ahhhhh, that's better i just wanna sleep just a... little, why are my ears ringing like that? feels like i've had about 7 pints of Guinness. Ahhhh Guinness...Whoa, i'm getting really...hot...my hands are sweating like...man, i'm hot all over... who...is that Kay? Oh...oh yeah that ice pack feels good on my hands...what? OK they are taking off my sweater...my face is what? I don't care...just let me...oh that feels nice on my head...i'm good, just let me sleep now...

Except from there on out i just became more concious of what was going on around me and finally opened my eyes after a few minutes, to find The Queen hovering.

TQ: "THAT spooked me...you ok now?"

Me: "yeah...lets go..."

TQ: "Why don't we wait a little bit."

That was my perspective, here is The Queens vantage...I'll let her write it since there are some particulars i'm a little vague on for some reason.

I must say that once we arrived at the doctor's office, I started feeling a little nervous for the King. But knowing everything involved in childbirth, this had to be a walk in the park! On the way back to the "procedure room" I stopped off at the restroom for obvious reasons. Afterwards, I knocked on the door and opened slowly to find the King resting quietly on the bed.

Anyway, the doctor comes in and adjusts the bed and lighting to where he wanted it and he invited me to come over and watch. The medical side of me said, "Sweet! This will be cool to watch!" The wife part of me said, "Maybe the King doesn't want me to watch him in this precarious position." So I asked the King flat out if I could watch and I think his reply went something like, "I've watched you give birth to our 3 children, I think it'll be okay if you watch this."

From my position at the end of the bed, it appeared like everything was going well. Except when it came to the second snip and suddenly the doc had a harder time getting the target in view. I could tell by the way the King was squeezing one hand with the other, his feet are twitching a bit more and his jaw was clenching very tight, that the pain was pretty intense. The doc was doing his best but that didn't make the pain lessen any. But the King took one for the team and after what felt like an eternity, everything was done.

Now comes the part that freaked me out. The King looked at me and said he wasn't sure if he was hungry or sick at his stomach. I walked over to stand by him and then he just looked at me with this blank look and made some kind of grunt or moan.
Me: "Jay?" (shake, shake on his chest)
King: blank stare, grunt
Me: thinking "Is he pulling my leg?"
Me: "Jay? Are you serious?"
Me: "Are you serious?" shake, shake
Jay: eyes roll back, head drops and head and arms start twitching
Me: thinking "Holy ****! He's out!"
Me: shouting down the hall "KAY! KAY COME HERE!"
Kay: strolling down the hall bewildered and saying "Is someone calling my name?"
Me: "Kay! I need you in HERE!"
Kay: nonchalantly "Oh look, he's vagaled. Let me get some ice and a cold cloth!"
Me: He's sweating like a pig--get this sweater off him! His t-shirt is soaked. Oh my God, even his lips are white!
Kay: "He looks more grayish than white."
I'm thinking "WHO FREAKING CARES!! HE HAS NO COLOR!!!"

About 15-20 minutes later the King has come around, he's not sweating any more and he's talking to us like normal. We get his pants on and he tries to refuse to get in the wheelchair to go to the car. Thankfully he listened to Queenly advice that if he went down on the way to the car, I can't stop him. It was a quiet ride home with the King happily eating some Reeces. I do admit, I felt guilty about asking him to go through this but then baby #4 gave me a swift kick in the bladder and all the childbirth memories came rushing back. In no time at all the King will be cheering me on one last time and I'm sure he'll think back to this day and think he didn't have it so bad......even if he did vagal!


Apparently, what had happened happens alot, in many different scenarios. Its called Vasovagal syncope or, the Vagal response...i freaking fainted... like a tartan wearing schoolgirl! Evidently, after concious traumatic experiences the body releases everything it has been storing or constricting and the heart rate drops and so does conciousness...and if you happen to be standing, so do you. That's why they didn't want me to step right out of the chair and walk out the office like i so manly wanted to do. They didn't want to have to stitch up my head from coming in contact with the waiting room chairback.

So, here i am...your humble scribe, back at the palace barstool, hammering this out with a headache in my...loins.

Yeah, its all good.

11 comments:

pamibe said...

Whoa... I'd no idea it could be that rough on a man. Hope you're back to normal soon.

Anonymous said...

I'm rolling on the floor. This is hilarious. I told you earlier this "procedure" was like the end of Braveheart. You both just described the end of the movie perfectly. Instead of you yelling "freedom" you yell, 'Gityerdone". And then the conversation continues. As the Doc is doing his thing, the queen (Muron) is standing the watching the "procedure". Murron: Ah, you're showing off now.
William Wallace: That's right. Are you impressed yet?
Murron: No. Why? Should I be?
William Wallace: Oui. Parce que chaque jour j'ai pensé à toi.
[Yes. Because every single day I've thought about you]
Murron: [hesitates, impressed despite herself, then smiles] Do that standing on your head and I'll be impressed.
William Wallace: Well, my kilt will fly up, but I'll try.
[William Wallace is dreaming, and sees the spirit of his wife]
William Wallace: I'm dreaming.
Murron: Yes, you are. And you must wake, William.
[pause]
William Wallace: I don't want to wake. I want to stay here with you.
I swear I'm just laughing my ass.

Buck said...

Yeah, its all good.

Well, if you say so I'll agree, Jay. But I just put "Vasectomy" on my personal list of stuff to avoid.

Wait. It's already there!

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Yeah, if this little item was on your Bucket List, RIP IT OFF THE PAGE.

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

I wasn't aware that Braveheart was that dear to you...always good for a quote.

Ashley said...

Aiiieeeee

Anonymous said...

So would you say you have some perspective on how Abraham and every other male, adult Israelite, as well as the Hivites, felt? I always wondered how Jacob’s sons overcame a whole city of Hivites after the round of “clippings.” Perhaps they were all vagalling.



Josh

man2followJESUS said...

well, I really don't know quite what to say here.
Guess, I'm glad its over for you.
Hope the healing time is speedy.

Bag Blog said...

Sorry, I forgot to ask about you on Sunday, but you looked like you were doing well by then. My friend, DG, told me that he felt like the doctor stitched something in his nether regions to something in his tonsils making it difficult to walk for several days. Finally the stitch disintigrated and all was well.

Anonymous said...

You'll probably have to sit down to pee from now on. I quess I'll have to start letting you tee from the "reds" now.

Doc said...

Dude. I'm so sorry. I didn't clue in on the whole Uncle Remus thing. I'd have called to talk you out of it. If I'm ever really rich, I'm starting a foundation to get the truth out on that whole thing. That'll be a whole chapter in that bio of mine, It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time.