Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Classifieds: Wanted

Madison, Skye, Jameson & Palmer, a medium sized established family oriented firm with one office in south central Oklahoma has an opportunity for high concept, motivated applicants with their idea submissions. Your responses on this application help us as a collective decide to review your resume. Be honest and do not misrepresent yourself. We value honesty and understand that an applicant's ideas rarely fits the conception perfectly. Experience is preferred but not required. Excellent benefits package. Casual dress. Please reply with submission and relevance to the concept via this forum or by phone to our home office. If needed, also send separate questions or comments with idea submission. We rarely outsource, but this is a special occasion. Now, for the concept itself.

Our firm is expanding and we are expecting this dynamic new associate to greatly enhance the values we hold as an aggregate body. We are extending the opportunity for you as an applicant to provide your hypotheses and postulations on the gender designation of the new consort. We are in close contact and are anticipating this nouveau arrive' to office at our home facility in early December. We will be looking forward to hearing from you should you meet the aforementioned criteria.


Jay & Tammy Palmer
Senior Partners
Madison, Skye, Jameson, & Palmer


inpassing said...
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In response to the very unusual classified ad listed today in "The Extended Table Times" by Madison, Skye, Jameson & Palmer Firm, described as a well established family oriented firm in south central Oklahoma, we the undernamed, Grand Grampy and Grand Gramy of the House of Palmer wish to submit our application. We believe every member of your firm will find our qualifications are impeccable. We will be honest as your firm demands. By the time you finish evaluating our application, we believe that, we, the said applicants, will fit perfectly into your rapidly growing organization. We believe this position comes with excellent benefits. I beg your patience as we list the benefits to paradise as we believe them to be.
1. Wet moist kisses from tiny drooling rose shaped mouths.
2. Small external appendages gripped tightly around the part that connects the head to the body.
3. Chubby cheeks with a soft blush of fuzzy ripe peaches waiting to have sweet kisses plucked just before falling off.
4. The undeniable eyes of the Father, the creator and master craftsman, to light the way.
5. Soft silky hair that still glows and smells of angel dust.
6. Miniature legs to dance down life's road and to tread across our hearts leaving footprints with each little step.
7. Ten perfect fingers to touch life. Ten tiny toes to balance life.
8. A voice crying to be heard and will not be denied, now or later.
9. A sweet personality of distinction or excellance of personal character, individuality that will blend well into this family firm.
10. A very small perfectly shaped body that comes with many working parts that requires the nuturing care of mom and dad, sisters and a brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and other specified caretakers.
As we understand the term, hypotheses, it is a tentative theory or supposition provisionally adopted to explain certain facts and to guide in the investigation of others. Syn: Hypothesis, theory, law meaning a principle operating in nature. In the essential individual characteristics of the senior partners of Madison, Skye, Jameson & Palmer due to the natural instincts, desires, man's native, or original state, the condition of simple desires of the primative man took over, thus, a new partner was formed-through, as was stated in their ad, in closw contact.
Allow us to list our qualifications:
1. We come with 25 years of experience in the care and nuturing of four granddaughters and two grandsons.
2. Purchased a new 2006 Toyota seven passenger Grand-van specifically for transporting present and future Grandchildren.
3. Have soft, well used rocking chair with many children's books ready for reading.
4. A kitchen with cabinets stuffed with comfort foods-cookies, old fashioned graham crackers, containers of applesauce, cereal and formula, to mention a few. Milk and koolade any time.
5. A closet full of toys: Dolls made by Gramy, Cinderella teapot for tea parties and purses all for little girls. There's a rusty old pink Tonka truck, a red and yellow fat laughing clown, a red and blue puzzle ball, a white and brown puppy dog that doesn't squeek anymore. All this belonged to the little boy that is now the CEO of the family firm.
6. A nice big den, with no carpet so messes are easy to clean up and toys can scatter easily.
7. A television with a DVD for viewing children's movies over and over and over.
8. Experienced in changing seat covers, soaked from overflowing little kidneys or full of "you know what."
9. Free babysitting, about anytime and always on call.
10. Hearts bursting with love,
arms willing to be filled, ears to hear cute sayings, kisses for healing booboos, laps ready for rocking, eyes to watch cute antics, TIME ON OUR HANDS.
In further expanding on our qualifications, in order to possibly sway our chances of fulfilling the requirements for this position as GRANDparents, I referred to a reference book of higher learning. Please read the following carefully.
GRAND 1. higher in rank, dignity, than other having same title or designation, as grandmother or grand old man (grandfather). 2. Other qualities: admirable, excellent, fine, in best of looks and spirits. 3. Standing in the second degree of ancestry or descent. Syn: Grand, imposing, stately, majestic, august (meaning an impressiveness that awes), noble, grandiose (implies a grandeur or majesty exceeding that of life or experience).
I want to complete this application with the following quote by T. D. Jakes:
"Our heritage and cultural roots manifest themselves in our upbringing, providing a lifeline between sacrifices and triumphs of the past generations and the exciting possiblities waiting in future offspring."

the friendly neighborhood piper said...

Your resume certainly meets the majority of qualifications we would require for grandparents, but we, as a collective firm, have some concerns regarding your application, namely:

A) The term "nuturing" is used two different times c.f. "Benefits" section 10 line 2; "Qualifications" section 1 line 2. We want to emphasize that there will be no "nuturing" of our partners, clients, beneficiaries, or other parties associated with this firm with or without their consent, by unqualified or non-professional medical personnell. As the Senior Partner in this firm I assure you the only "nuturing" that is to be done will be to me in the near future.

Thankyou for your submission, it will be reviewed and the results posted in a timely manner.

Jay G. Palmer
Sr. Partner
Madison, Skye, Jameson & Palmer

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Palmer family! We are so excited for you all! Cannot wait to spoil yet another member of the brood!

Auntie Dee Dee

Bag Blog said...

Congrats guys! Life in the Palmer house will never be dull. Hmm, I was pretty close to calling the last Palmer (I said boy, red head, but I called blue eyes instead of brown). It is a little early to call this one, but I think another boy would be nice - even steven stuff. All boys need a partner in crime. But then, you have such beautiful princesses...but we do need another red head. Have you considered names yet? Maybe Tobet or Hub Ella?