Thursday, October 22, 2009

Wow...that's a bit...awkward...

OK, y'all know how i like to cook...for obvious reasons (hence the name of the venue). Thanksgiving then, is probably my favorite season (OK so ALL the holidays are my favorite, but..who freaking cares). I was bumping around this morning on Facebook and one of my friends posted a link to This may become my homepage. It is entirely too funny to at least not favorite it immediately. Then i hit the pot o' gold...Awkward Family Stories...Good...Lawd...i...can't...breathe...

So, since i have entirely too much to do again today getting ready for camping this evening and the rest of the weekend...i submit to you

Awkward Family Story #1
The Thanksgiving Letter
(this is an actual letter written by an actual person, no actors were used here...i can't WAIT to hear your comments on this one- TFNP)

From: Marney

As you all know a fabulous Thanksgiving Dinner does not make itself. I need to ask each of you to help by bringing something to complete the meal. I truly appreciate your offers to assist with the meal preparation.

Now, while I do have quite a sense of humor and joke around all the time, I COULD NOT BE MORE SERIOUS when I am providing you with your Thanksgiving instructions and orders. I am very particular, so please perform your task EXACTLY as I have requested and read your portion very carefully. If I ask you to bring your offering in a container that has a lid, bring your offering in a container WITH A LID, NOT ALUMINUM FOIL! If I ask you to bring a serving spoon for your dish, BRING A SERVING SPOON, NOT A SOUP SPOON! And please do not forget anything.

All food that is to be cooked should already be prepared, bring it hot and ready to serve, warm or room temp. These are your ONLY THREE options. Anything meant to be served cold should, of course, already be cold.

HJB—Dinner wine

The Mike Byron Family
1. Turnips in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. Please do not fill the casserole all the way up to the top, it gets too messy. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but most of us hate turnips so don’t feel like you a have to feed an army.
2. Two half gallons of ice cream, one must be VANILLA, I don’t care what the other one is. No store brands please. I did see an ad this morning for Hagan Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream, yum!! (no pressure here, though).
3. Toppings for the ice cream.
4. A case of bottled water, NOT gallons, any brand is ok.

The Bob Byron Family
1. Green beans or asparagus (not both) in a casserole with a lid and a serving spoon. If you are making the green beans, please prepare FOUR pounds, if you are making asparagus please prepare FIVE pounds. It is up to you how you wish to prepare them, no soupy sauces, no cheese (you know how Mike is), a light sprinkling of toasted nuts, or pancetta, or some EVOO would be a nice way to jazz them up.
2. A case of beer of your choice (I have Coors Light and Corona) or a bottle of clos du bois chardonnay (you will have to let me know which you will bring prior to 11/22).

The Lisa Byron Chesterford Family
1. Lisa as a married woman you are now required to contribute at the adult level. You can bring an hors d’ouvres. A few helpful hints/suggestions. Keep it very light, and non-filling, NO COCKTAIL SAUCE, no beans of any kind. I think your best bet would be a platter of fresh veggies and dip. Not a huge platter mind you (i.e., not the plastic platter from the supermarket).

The Michelle Bobble Family
1. Stuffing in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please make the stuffing sans meat.
2. 2.5-3 qts. of mashed squash in a casserole with a lid and serving spoon
3. Proscuitto pin wheel – please stick to the recipe, no need to bring a plate.
4. A pie knife

The June Davis Family
1. 15 LBS of mashed potatoes in a casserole with a serving spoon. Please do not use the over-size blue serving dish you used last year. Because you are making such a large batch you can do one of two things: put half the mash in a regulation size casserole with lid and put the other half in a plastic container and we can just replenish with that or use two regulation size casserole dishes with lids. Only one serving spoon is needed.
2. A bottle of clos du bois chardonnay

The Amy Misto Family (why do I even bother she will never read this)
1. A pumpkin pie in a pie dish (please use my silver palate recipe) no knife needed.
2. An apple pie in a pie dish, you can use your own recipe, no knife needed.

Looking forward to the 28th!!



Bo said...

Marney is obviously not related to me.

Anonymous said...

I would show up with a bat -or perhaps a shovel- with which to turn that particular person's lights out.....with a lid and a serving spoon, of course.


Buck said...

heh. I used to date a woman named Marney and this is NOT out of character for that woman, but this one has too many kids for it to be the same one.

But: Good On Her. I LIKE explicit instructions that leave no doubt. There's no confusion, no misunderstanding, no duplication. I'm thinking this Ol' Gal's Thanksgiving went smooth as silk.

Skybag said...

I went through all the pictures on the photo site. I laughed so hard I had a hard time sucking in air quietly (I'm at work you know)!

The Friendly Neighborhood Piper said...

Gotta say...i'm with Andy comment on the site was something akin to..."I'd do exactly as she told me to. When i show up and she demands to know why my blue Le Creuset casserole is tin foiled and covered in bacon grease, i smile politely and say 'so it'll slide easier as i shove it up your ass.' Proceeding to do just that henceforth."

We'd then proceed directly to Amy's where we crack those bottles of Clos du Bois and Coronas (she can keep the Bud Lite) and sit down for family, food, and football. Just like we'd do at Bo's.

man2followJESUS said...

thank goodness we don't get our panties all in a wad over our family dinners. If she told me to bring a dish with a lid with that much attitude - I'd likely find my a discarded toilet (with a lid mind you)- I think 15lbs of potatoes would fit nicely in a toilet bowl, don't you? Andy hit the nail on the head with the idea of taking a garden spade as a "serving spoon"! She sounds like she is wound tighter than a eight day clock!